I haven’t posted for so long that I had to reset my password. I should get to writing these things down.
Despite my readership being less than impressive I will continue as if after my death at 27, an undiscovered cashe of my works are discovered and I am rendered a modern genius, and everything I have ever contributed to the online community becomes front page news.
If my title has caused you to violently wonder about what I could possibly be talking about, let me put you at your ease. Today, I would like to talk about my first experience with Xena – Warrior Princess.
It was today. I flicked channels and there it was in stunningly out-dated technicolour. And wow. Just wow. And rather than describe to you what I saw, I will transcribe the text messages that i sent during the episode to my friends – in my incredulity that I had before this time never witnessed the magnificence that is Xena Warrior Princess.
This is what I wrote:
Just flicked to Xena Warior Princess… and it has a young Eomer from Lord of the Rings in it… in a roman uniform… seducing a scantily clad maiden soap opera style… my life is complete.
Oh gosh, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but I’m going to try downloading all of it. I think he might be evil! But when he kissed her on the beach he said he’d think of her every day! What a betrayal.
He’s Caesar! Plot twist alert!
I don’t think he even loved her, just used her body on his way to greatness. What a sexy betrayal!
Oh it’s okay, her sassy black friend just interrupted her crucifixion and kicked the guards in the backface with her ninja skills.
The town doctor just pulled back one of her eyelids and proclaimed: “Her organs are swollen from internal bleeding!” and then cracked her broken leg back in.
(At this point I am very confused and impressed)
Oh it’s okay now, they healed her with acupuncture. But the centurions killed the sassy black friend! And now Xena’s in a trippy dream and her friend is a sky mermaid made of blue bobbles. WHAT IS THIS SHIT.
I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING.
And so, with my mind completely blown, I am resolved to find and study all Xena Warrior Princess with the same intensity as Abed studies Cougar Town.
Golly That’s Amazing!